I Constantly Wonder, Why?...

It’s been a little while since I’ve last written but I assure you that there are good reasons why. Well first off school is getting a little hectic and when things get heated I must set my priorities. Unfortunately blogging is not my number one, so all ya’ll who still follow, thanks for sticking it out while I slave my life away.

University life is taking hold of me and grasping tight. I pull, trying to break free from the stress but it just continues to build. My outside life seems non-existent. I don’t think about relationships, family, work, or anything that should be considered important because I’m spending every spare second reading, writing, or studying.

As far as I know, this semester is going great for grades. I have had everything accomplished on time and I am on good terms with my professors. I have made some pretty neat friends that I sometimes have coffee with and chat about the empirical world, philosophies, or life in general. Other than my university friends, it feels like I’ve lost touch with all of my old friends. Time is so limited, the clock keeps ticking, and there’s always a pile of new work to be done.

I sometimes wondered why I volunteer myself to this as well as pay thousands of dollars. I have to constantly remind myself that it will pay off. It’s only a short term sacrifice and when it’s all over I’ll be a young professional with a university degree.

Every time I walk into my room I am taunted by my snowboard leaning against my wall that is being un-used. There’s nothing I would rather do than take a trip to the mountains and spend an entire day with my headphones in playing me uplifting melodies while I ride down the mountain carving on fresh powder.

Every year brings a progression of skills and the most insane moments shared with friends whether we board in the mountains or around town on jumps, rails, or whatever we can find to jib. Last year was a good year of progression but my confidence caused me to take a spill that still haunts me when I think about it.

I made it to a small hill outside of Edmonton called Rabbit hill. It sounds pretty lame but it’s known for its terrain park which was well put together. I was riding with a friend who is allot more skilled then I am, so of course I decided I was going to try and keep up. We were hitting jumps and I was landing grabs and 180 spins no problem so I started getting confident and hitting anything he would attempt. It was going good until I tried a front side spin onto a box.

For anyone who has never tried to hit a box at a snowboard park, it’s extremely slippery. I turned with my back facing towards where I was going and not judging my balance properly, slipped out. My feet came out from under me and I fell, hitting face first onto the box, and my head bounced off of it. After sitting down a couple seconds trying to understand what happened, I realised that my mouth felt extremely weird. I tried feeling my teeth with my tongue, but all that was left was jagged edges of my front teeth. I spit into the snow beside creating a pool pool of blood.

All I could think to myself was “fuck! My teeth! What have I done?!” I didn’t want to believe what had actually happened and I sat there still in shock. My friend came up to me laughing, thinking that my spill wasn’t that bad but when he looked at my face I could tell by his expression that it was bad.

I snowboarded down the hill after taking a few deep breaths and every inhale sent a shock of pain through the exposed nerves in my teeth. Once making it down the hill, my girlfriend was waiting for me eager to snowboard. When I made it to her, the first thing I said was, “We have to go.”

She looked at me with a questionable gaze and when I smiled to reveal my bloody mouth full of broken teeth she understood why. With a new season about to start and a painful nightmare still taunting me I need to find the courage to let myself ride without worry or fear and let my skills progress to yet another level.

Is There a Global Climate Shift in Process?

Its fall but the weather seems to be getting warmer. It’s odd in Canada to see people wearing shorts and sun tanning in October. I was called into work to cut grass in parks that are still growing and I overdressed, expecting the air to be nippy and I ended up sweating all day.

The global climate is definitely shifting. Since I can remember the weather has turned into a cold frosty spring during October every year, usually snowing before November, but it seems that gradually every year, winter comes later. Last year we didn’t get snow until the end of December.

I always thought that global warming was bullshit and watching this weather change still doesn’t convince me of anything. The weather is changing all over the world. Last December when we were getting record heat and still no snow, there was record cold spells hitting Florida all over the news. When I heard I knew that something was happening to the world and it almost seems as if there is a global climate shift in a process, adjusting what part of the world gets the most heat, and which parts become cold. Perhaps the earth has been shifting angles or slowly changing its axes.

The Guy You Can't Count On

So in one of my English classes we were put into assigned groups to create a presentation about a short story given to us by the teacher. The presentation must be at least twenty minutes long and incorporate a power point slide as well as class interactions. I was put with some guy that I don’t know and we discussed our ideas and everything seemed cool. It was getting really close to the deadline and I was getting worried that we haven’t worked on it yet, so I tried calling him, emailing him, and I even left a voice mail even though I hate doing that. Long story short, he didn’t pick up or return my emails or calls.

I ended up doing the entire project alone, still not knowing what’s up with this guy because he has missed the last two classes. It took me about 5 hours of work today and I feel great that it’s finally put together, taking that stress off my shoulders, but I hope this guy doesn’t expect to take credit for my work.

You would think that someone paying for tuition fees and setting up their GPA on their permanent transcript would take more pride or concern in their work. Or if he dropped the class couldn’t he have at least been a decent enough person to reply to my attempts to get a hold of him and tell me so. I really hate trying to depending on people.

A Reach for Perspective

Everything seems to be so desolate; so far away
The closer I reach, the more things become consumed in grey
There’s a vision I've had, one that’s hard to explain
But with every explanation, it becomes washed away by rain
You're here just to change my perspective; change my life
Just stab at my dreams with a sharpened knife
But with every little change comes a deeper insight, still unclear
The more I realise, the less I seem to hear
Because everything becomes buried, covered in soil
Here's another attempt, perhaps this one won’t spoil

Search for Success?

Everybody is being pulled in different directions. It’s weird to run into an old friend that you haven’t seen in years and see how dramatically different your once similar lives have turned out. No one seems to be where they want to be just yet but it seems that everybody is on an endless chase to try and find complete happiness.

Everybody has a different idea of what it means to be successful. To some its money; spending almost every waking second of their lives at a meaningless job they dislike, just for the pay cheque. They strive for the material gains and live day to day chasing the idea of wealth, becoming a slave to everything they own.

To others, the idea of success is in their social image, which guides them to seek education. Being able to say that you have a degree or masters, or PHD even gives people a feeling of accomplishment, while giving them a sense of security as well. Although this piece of paper may or may not benefit the individual, chances that that person will end up working a decent job or career they enjoy is increased exponentially.

Some people don’t even look at these social constructs of success, but instead live their lives day to day striving to find themselves beyond a social level. Life, love, relationships, and struggles all seem to be the majority of most people’s battles. No one I have talked to has yet seemed to have found themselves. It seems to me that everyone will continue to struggle, on an endless search, until they find themselves in their senior years of life.

Some of us need to give up the search, while still trying to live the best life we can, and enjoy every second of it. Or maybe this is just advice I need to convince to myself?

Emancipate Yourself from Mental Slavery

Listen to the thoughts race through your head. The ones that tell you what is right, what is wrong, how to dress, how to act, are any of those thoughts your own? Are any of them thoughts of freedom?

Bob Marley once said, “no one but ourselves can free our minds.”

In any lyrics to any song, this one has touched me the furthest. After realising what was being said I pondered the idea for a long time. The thing about this quote is that it is true beyond expression.

We all live our lives day to day dreading where our minds will take us. We are put into terrifying social situations that cause our mind to dread the anxiety involved with everyday life. These thoughts, torments, and common practices don’t have to be something normal if we can gain control over it.

We are who we tell ourselves we are. Even if we aren’t, it doesn’t matter because life is what you believe. My life is dramatically different from your life in more than just our physical bodies. Our interpretation of life, where to go, why things are the way they are, and our self identity in general will never even come close in comparison.

To leave you with that, ponder the quote from Bob Marley and try to find the truth behind it. Learn to let go of the worries, fears, and chains that your mind has tied to you because you are the only one who can free your own mind.