In this scene John and Jessica are making their way home with anticipation for a moment of passion. Before they make it to the safe confines of their home they are confronted with a past enemy and troubles arise;
A pit of excitement grew in my stomach and I grabbed her hand, pulling her through the crowed. We made it outside in the crisp air and walked quickly, anticipating the moments we were planning to share in our apartment bedroom alone.
“There you are, you little fucker.” said a voice from the alley. One of the thugs that harassed us was back, holding a look of confidence, ready for a fight. The street we were on was dead - it was more of a back road shortcut to our apartment complex, so we were faced with him alone. He reached behind his back in the back of his pants and pulled out a handgun. It looked like it was probably a nine millimetre, but either way, this guy was here to kill me.
It was a terrifying moment, knowing that even if I managed to escape the incident alive that there’d still be the rest of this guy’s gang after me. It brought back the memory of Jason Copperfield, one of the first friends I’ve ever had and the moment I let him slip away. That image of the man running over the train tracks, my adrenaline causing me to outrun Jason, and the view of that bastard cutting him up into pieces while I ran away not doing anything like a pansy. I looked back to see the look of agony on his face, a look of helplessness while he was murdered infront of me - I wasn’t about to re-experience that moment. I would give myself up if that’s what I had to do to make sure that Jessica escaped unharmed.
Jay, your little snippets of story are intriguing, but what they lack so far, and this may be just because of how you're presenting them, is some cohesive and directional force. I would like to have a beginning, and some semblance of where this is all going.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought, and it is all that more important that you keep going with this.
You had an exhilarating flow going here.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there is one tiny little remark I should add: you use the word 'back' a lot in the second paragraph.
Of course that was just a detail. You had quite some suspence packed into such a short story.