A time ago

Most days of the week after classes we would always hang out at Laura's place. She lived in an apartment building on the north end of town. The place was haggard. Right across the street from a prison. Pretty much as downtown as you could get. If I had to decide on what to consider the slums of that city, that was it, dead centre. It's not like any of us had nice places or any money considering we were students, but we managed to entertain ourselves with the little we had. As you walked into the lobby there were often homeless people trying to keep warm, begging for cigarettes, or at worst trying to follow us into the building.

This one guy was laying down across the front entrance wearing what looked like his entire wardrobe. He had a big beard and a stench of body door surrounded him. My nose stung as I walked past him but I tried  to ignore it so I wouldn't cause any issues. I pressed the buzzer.

"Hey," crackled Laura's voice through the intercom.

"It's me."

The clank of the door unlocking caused the man to get up. "Hey my friend lives here and I can't remember his apartment number. I know where his room is though," he tried to explain.

My heart raced. He looked like a junky and I'm sure that there were dealers for every drug within that complex. Gangs and guns and thugs, people pushing heroin, the most extreme. Maybe not, but it wouldn't have surprised me. So I told him, "I don't think it's a good idea." I should have just quickly walked in and pretended not to hear him. But I didn't.

"What do you mean, not a good idea? I have just as much right as you to come and visit my friends."

His argument was poor so I decided to indiscreetly call him out before sliding through the door and locking him out behind me. "At least I remember my friends apartment number. I told him, "That gives me more right than you." I reached for the handle but the man shoved himself in front if me, knocking me back a few steps. He reached for the handle but it had already relocked. I was trapped in the cubicle class corridor of the entrance with him.

"Your a little shit you know that? All I wanted was to visit my goddamn friend." He was starting to get hostile so I backed away and turned to leave. I imagined him coming up behind me and knifing me in the back or something, but I just didn't want to deal with him so I didn't look back.

"Where do you think your going?" he called at me. I could hear him following. "Come back here asshole," he shouted. I just kept walking, trying to ignore the harassment. The parking lot was a dark stretch, probably the worst place I could have turned. I was starting to panic just before a set of headlights turned in.

"Hey Sam, what are you doing wandering around out here? Your car is parked right by the door."

I jumped into Jack's front seat without answering.

"What's wrong?"

"Just drive, don't stay here. Someone is following me."

"Dude, just chill. No one is following you."

He must have seen the fear in me because he followed my directions.

"Where should I go?"

He had left the parking lot and turned onto the road facing the front entrance. As we went by I searched for the man. There was nobody to be seen anywhere, and the entrance was clear.

"This is stupid. There's no one anywhere. You're just trippin'."

I hesitated, but agreed, "Okay let's just go in then."

How did this occur?

You know that feeling when your sitting there, freaking out inside, but you just sit there trying to compose yourself? You can feel you heart beating against your rib cage, blood trying to push out of your ears. That's what stress does.

"It won't be that bad," she warned. But she didn't tell me I was going in alone. She told me we were partners, half and half, but it started to feel like I was getting pushed into all of the dirty work.

"I'm not doing that," I told her.

"You have no choice. He said it's you or no one. We can't get in any other way."

I didn't say anything right away while she stared at me. I wanted to say no. I wanted to overpower her glare, but it had no mercy over me. "There's no other way?" I asked, already knowing what the answer was.

"There's no other way Ollie." She was the only person to ever call me Ollie besides my parents. The situation I was in was a result of me trying to impress her. "You know you can be a real chicken shit sometimes. You told me once that you were fearless."

She was right, I did say that, but I didn't imagine what was happening.

"Think about all of the people we will disappoint. Think about how made we will be."

I finally worked up the courage to say, "Fine. I'll do it," but I didn't know if I actually would. It was more of a way to avoid dealing with the situation for a little bit.

"Just relax," she suggested. "Why do you have to be so tense all the time?"

I replied with a subtle shrug. "I guess it's just in my nature." I have pondered her suggestion, those simple words, 'just relax.' It seems so simple, yet it's impossible.

"Let's go to my place. I'll help you relax." She winked a naughty gesture. I knew exactly what was planning.

I least I thought I did.

A Moment of Clarity - Continued... (Scene 4)

            When I made it to the top of the cliff I was panting heavily. I stopped to look around at the houses that surrounded the area. They were all massive estates, obviously dwellings for the rich. I thought about ringing one of their bells but to tell you the truth I felt intimidated. My house was only about five blocks from where we were so I grabbed my bike and made my way. Of course I didn’t have my phone on me because I left it at home during our excursions so that I would have no outside distractions from those joyous moments. I was also scared that I would ruin it.

            I lightly peddled enjoying the crisp feeling of the fall air not really thinking about the pain I had left Colton in. I don’t know why exactly but I decided to not find help. Although he was my best friend he was a prick and I enjoyed the thought of him suffering. It was an act of vengeance, one I’m not so proud of, but that’s what you get for getting with your best friends girlfriend.

            Kendra was her name, a petite and very attractive girl that I gave my heart to in grade ten. She was my first lover and I must say she was good at it. Her body was perfect but her mind was evil. We dated for two years before I found out that Colton fucked her, and not just once. He was doing it routinely behind my back for months. When I found out I freaked on both of them, making Kendra fill with tears and temporarily discarding Colton as a friend. After about three months of him begging for forgiveness I decided to allow him back into my life because unfortunately, we were best friends. He was pretty much my only friend. But now he was going to finally pay for what he’d done so long ago.

            I walked into my house. My roommate Stan was watching a movie with his haggard looking girlfriend Tanya. She was completely disgusting in my eyes but I guess that would be because I compared her to the attractiveness of Kendra. She was still the only girl I loved despite our years never talking and the handful of pointless lays that have got me through our breakup.

            “Hey Nolan. What are you up too?” asked Stan.

            I replied, “Not much,” and left them to their business. Stan was not ugly and I couldn’t understand how he could lower his standards enough to accept a girl like Tanya. She was repulsive, the way she ate, the clothes she wore, her views on life, there was nothing I could find attractive about her. I hated the images of what their sex must be like, but to all there own I guess.

A Loss of Courage

            I was studying in the college library before class. My feet were rested on a coffee table surrounded with a couple chairs, one that I had claimed, and a couch. I had my laptop open on my lap and I was entranced in my work until I noticed someone sitting across from me.

            A girl whom I’ve never seen before sat down and opened her binder to study. She sat passively and to me she seemed lonely. As soon as I noticed her I had trouble paying attention to my work. I glanced at her, probably more than would be socially appropriate, but it was hard not to. I didn’t know if she even acknowledged me but she was absolutely gorgeous! The most attractive girl I’ve ever seen.

            Her eyes were light blue, her hair as dark as it could be and she sat innocently while I struggled to build enough confidence to try and start a conversation with her. I couldn’t find the words to say and I didn’t want to look intrusive so I just continued reading, thinking about what I should do. The clock was ticking and I had fifteen minutes before my next class and time was running out.

            I took out my notebook and wrote my name and number. I thought that maybe if I gave it to her before leaving she might call me back, or if she didn’t at least I tried. My mind wandered with what to say. I thought that maybe if I said, ‘Excuse me. I have never done this before but you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,’ and gave her the piece of paper before leaving it might seem flattering to her. That was the idea I was going to do.

            I packed up my things, except for the piece of paper I wanted to give her and walked up to her. I was about to say something when I lost all words. My heart was pounding and I couldn’t do it. I put the piece of paper into my pocket and walked to class never saying a word.

The Play

My mind seems to wander in a circle with no end

Like a road that keeps going, one which I depend

On the art that surrounds me, the most indirect

It's the things that go on I’d never suspect

Through a changing perceptions the clouds change their form

From light to dark my surroundings forlorn

But just for a moment until I push them away

You’ll always be the same because that’s how you stay

Inside my own world apart from the rest

This is a place where I sometimes feel best

A tree loses its texture but next spring it will bloom

But we’re all part of a play so never assume

A Moment of Clarity - Continued (scene 3)

(Part 3) 

           “Let’s wander down through the woods,” suggested Colton one time.

            “Yeah that might be fun,” I replied. It was one of those grey colorless days where everything seemed awkwardly still. The leaves were starting to turn their fall colors and were piling on the streets from the shedding of their summer dress. We were cruising the streets on bikes, me with a bright green cruiser and Colton with a black BMX. We often wandered the streets in search of ideas for films and searching for artistic scenery.

            “Check this path out." suggested Colton, "we have to take it.” He pointed to a cliffs edge. “If we climb to that ledge and use those vines to cross that part,” he pointed, “we can make it to that ridge and take the path down next to the river.”

            It seemed dangerous, but thrilling, so I accepted the idea so I ditched my bike against a tree and started climbing, but let him take lead.

            “Watch it,” I warned him. He wasn’t taking any time to try and swing himself down with style. So many terrible images went through my head of what would happen if one of us fell.

            “Stop being such a pussy Nolan.”

            “Fuck you,” I laughed and I tossed a small branch at him. The moment I threw it I realized he wasn’t paying attention and I remember the feeling of regret as soon as it left my hand and started whirling towards my face. It seemed almost slow motion and just as it was reaching him he turned his head and it stuck right into his eye. He screamed and let his grip off from the branch and slipped down a steep dirt edge through shrubs and bushes. I felt comfort by the fact that it was bushes rather than rock but when that blood-curdling scream rang from below I knew something terrible must have been wrong.

I asked him if he was okay and he shouted, “I think my leg is broken, it hurts so bad. Oh my god Nolan you need to get help.”

I climbed down to reach him and I wish I didn’t. The sight was grotesque. He had landed in between two logs and broke his leg at his shin and the force must have pulled him hard because it was completely bend as if he had two knees on that leg. He was so pale white he looked like a ghost. “It’s broken. It’s so broken,” he whimpered, “You need to get help.”

“Where should I go?” I looked up the large cliff edge I’d have to climb to reach civilization and tried to understand how help could even get to the location we were at.

            His helpless struggling eyes stared deep into me while he cried, “Please just find someone, I need help Nolan!”

            I panicked, turned and left him, and made my way up the cliff to get out of the forest and back into the city center. 

A Moment of Clarity - Continued...

(part 2)

That doesn’t bother me, but what does is that no one pays any attention to anything that I throw on it. I take as much time as I can, try to act as professional as I can, and I always manage to convince anyone I decide to use in my parts and create films that are somewhat how I envision them. But still there is never any traffic on any of my sites. I’m not sure weather it’s my “networking” skills or if it’s because I trust Colton with my media output. He is my partner in this ordeal, the profession which we’ve both obsessed since high school, so naturally he's become my partner in business.

            We both took a class that was supposed to be a photography workbook beginner tech class in high school but we convinced Mr. Lukas, our teacher, that we were worthy of taking film early. The film portion of the class was supposed to be for third year students only but with a bit of sly talking Colton and I took that class for the entire three years of high school and skipped all pre-rec work. “I already know about different lenses, the aperture, contrast, shutter speeds, lighting angles, my dad is really big into photography,” I told him, which was a lie. My dad wouldn’t know how to turn on a camera let alone become an expert with one. If it wasn’t something heavy that he could pick up than it didn’t matter to him. “If you let me into the third year program I could spend three years creating a masterpiece, rather than one, and it could be something big.” I tried desperately to convince him that I was some prodigy and he fell for it.

            “Okay, okay Nolan.” He stretched out his words has he thought about how to deal with me. “I think that we could work something out but you will at least have to take a test on the basics of photography so I can get permission from the school board to let you do this.”

            “Sure,” I replied and that was that. The test took maybe ten minutes and an hour every day became nothing but creating films with friends. We’d always have friends skip their classes, or get permission even, to come and film during our tech class. When we all turned sixteen and started getting cars the class became even more fun. We rented out cameras, got in our cars and took off, usually not even taking the time to turn on the camera within the hour of class. We’d have races through gravel roads, highways sometimes, even through town, and we planned our destinations over cell phone usually with passengers doing the talking. We’d come up with games, such as hide and seek. One time we even drove out into the country, kicked out Mark, who was the easiest to manipulate, and everyone else shot fireworks at him while he ran from us. He trotted in a pool of adrenaline as flame balls zipped past his head, bounced against trees, the ground, and danced bright colors all around him.